


I Know You Think You're the Queen of the Underground

by paperdragon



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Rating will change in the future, aka the fic where G and B get wasted and complain about incompetence, and then wonder why tf an angel and a demon would fuck, c/a are only bitched about at first, ya'll know where this will go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-05-30 16:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19406923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperdragon/pseuds/paperdragon
Summary: ‘I come upside to see what the host of heaven is planning, andthisis what you’re doing?’ Her ‘this’ buzzed, disconcertingly. ‘What…are you doing, exactly?’‘I don’t know yet,’ Gabriel told her. ‘Ever since the colossal fuck fest last week, we’ve been sort of. Aimless.’‘You’re telling me,’ she said, still standing a few feet behind him. ‘Ten million demons asked to go back to filing. Not exactly sure what they’re even filing.’‘You have files that need filing?’ Gabriel asked, delighted. ‘I didn’t think that happened.’‘We have fake files that need filing,’ she replied, blandly.





	1. Chapter 1

_It begins, like all things do, at the end of something else. In this case, we’re referring to the End of the World as we know it, of course._

_Although there have been many discussions since the beginning of time on the attitudes angels and demons have towards each other, there is one thing philosophers and theologians simply fail to take into account. This failure may be regarded as the tendency to not apply any and all benign characteristics to religious or occultist forces. Although demons may be regarded as epitomizing the bad traits of humanity and angels the good, most theorists stop here in their attributions. The failure arises then from the assumption that applying not so strictly bad or good qualities to these forces is assigning them humanity, when the fact of the matter is that it is **all** of these qualities that have influenced human behavior. _

_For example, being of the same original stock, both angels and demons enjoy airing out their grievances, preferably in an impressively dramatic way. This is important factual background knowledge to have, since we will now observe such an airing of grievances between an angel of the highest rank and a demon who used to be an angel of the highest rank._

.

Gabriel isn’t exactly sure why he’s on Earth at this point. Well, that’s incorrect. He’s aware of his motivations to be on Earth. It’s hard to run an organization whose end goal has been decimated because of the pedantic meddling of one of its own employees. An employee who isn’t really an employee anymore.

So why is Gabriel here then? Why is he seated in a rather shady-looking bar in downtown New York? The easiest answer is because Gabriel, archangel and commander feels distinctly lost. What exactly is he supposed to be doing now, if not devoting himself to achieving the Great Plan?

Gabriel has seen exactly three films, and in each of them, he has seen a lost and confused man sit in a almost empty bar and hold a drink for an extensive period of time. Ever since the absolute _cock fest_ that was the Armageddon that never happened, Gabriel has felt exceedingly lost and confused in regards to the human race. Weren’t they supposed to be easily gullible? Power hungry because of how insignificant their lives were? And yet here he was the one, sitting in the bar, having something called an _appletini._

It wasn’t exactly bad, he thought, but not really worth screwing heaven over. He had been here for an hour and had decided to just sit until something happened.

Except then it did. Beelzebub was standing there, blinking at his back. He hadn’t turned to see her, but he had felt the change in the room.

When nothing else seemed to be forthcoming, Gabriel turned his head and looked at her.

Beelzebub looked confused, something along the lines of what she’d looked like when Aziraphale and Crowley had talked about the Ineffable Plan versus the Great Plan. But she wasn’t exactly demon looking, no festering wounds, no buzzing flies. She still had that giant fly on top of her head, but in present circumstances it looked more like a hat of sorts.

‘This is what you’re doing?’ she said, as if she was equally disgusted and confused by him.

‘I didn’t know I’d be having the relative pleasure of your company, Beelzebub,’ he said, grinning brightly. He wasn’t quite sure why he did that, it seemed the right thing to do whether he was planning a war or telling someone to burn in hellfire.

‘I come upside to see what the host of heaven is planning, and _this_ is what you’re doing?’ Her ‘this’ buzzed, disconcertingly. ‘What…are you doing, exactly?’

‘I don’t know yet,’ Gabriel told her. ‘Ever since the colossal fuck fest last week, we’ve been sort of. Aimless, but so much worse than that.’

‘You’re telling me,’ she said, still standing a few feet behind him. ‘Ten million demons asked to go back to filing. Not exactly sure what they’re even filing.’

‘You have files that need filing?’ Gabriel asked, delighted. ‘I didn’t think that happened.’

‘We have fake files that need filing,’ she replied, blandly. She looked around at the walls, the three other patrons, and the glass sitting in front of Gabriel. ‘We also have waiting lines where you move to the front and collect a token and then go back to the end of the line.’

‘Sounds positively terrifying,‘ Gabriel said, nodding. He thought he should be assuring. He then wondered why. Is it the appletini? He did like it. He took another sip.

‘What are you drinking?’ Beelzebub asked. ‘Is there supposed to be a new asset on Earth? Are you it?’

‘It’s an appletini, you should have one,’ Gabriel said. ‘And no, not yet. Ever since _Aziraphale,_ head office is feeling a bit squeamish.’

‘Relatable. After the _trial_ things in hell have been…worse than usual,’ she deadpanned. ‘What is in this… _appletini?_ ’

‘Juice. Alcohol. Lots of processed sugar, I’m assuming,’ he says. Gabriel has had this fake smile that’s been there for so long, she can’t remember a time it wasn’t.

She took a seat next to him, her bag hanging off the side of the seat from where it was touching her hip. ‘Appletini,’ she said.

Gabriel seemed enamored with a small plastic umbrella that had come with his glass. Beelzebub sipped her drink, and found it extremely confusing. Not bad, exactly, but then again, she was deputy ruler of hell, where everything had to be bad.

‘So, what now?’ she asked. It was a bit surreal, and infinitely stupid to be sitting here.

Gabriel tilted his glass at her, and spilled some of his drink. He made a face. ‘Well, humans usually talk about things. Bad events.’

Beelzebub gave him a look. In fact, she looked at him like he’d suggested she sell human feces by the pound to make a statement about the state of celestial affairs.

‘Right, well,’ she said. ‘Do you think they’re fucking then?’

‘In the moment? I’m not sure,’ Gabriel said, bluntly. ‘Generally, yeah.’

‘I don’t think they were before,’ Beelzebub mused, draining her drink. She flicked her fingers, and the bartender put another in front of her. 

‘Do you think we made them fuck?’ Gabriel looked astounded. ‘Did we make them fuck? Good Lord.’

Beelzebub pulled a face and motioned at the bartender. ‘I need something strong enough to bleach my brain.’

Four hours later, they were still there, equal amounts drunk and disgusted, somehow still bitching about their ex-employees.

‘Do you think they fucked because… because they were drunk?’ Gabriel asked, finally, head slumped against the greasy table top. ‘How drunk… do you think…how drunk would you have to be to fuck your divinely declared rival?’

Then he looked at Beelzebub, almost unconsciously appraising.

Beelzebub blinked at him, turned her head, and promptly threw up on his white suede shoes.


	2. Take Me Down, Little Suzie

Beelzebub is lost. Is she taking this the wrong way? She is after all, working with copious amounts of alcohol and a frankly embarrassing lack of knowledge about earthly traditions. The only experiences that she’s had on Earth after all, have been far and few, and only to see what Crowley was up to.

The first was a bodega in something called Downtown New York, and the last was a showing of Sleeping in Seattle, where she’d witnessed Crowley watching what was called a Tom Hanks with some human female and confusing modes of communication. Or was that _You’ve Got Mail?_ Alcohol was confusing.

Beelzebub lifted her head up from where it had plonked on the counter top. Gabriel looked shocked.

‘I’m too drunk to miracle this away,’ he slurred. ‘Do me favor, won’t you? For old times’ sake.’

Beelzebub waved her hand. The remnants of what she assumed were half digested peanuts and alcohol disappeared from Gabriel’s feet. His shoes were now a glaring hot pink color.

He looked more disgusted by this development than by the throw up. ‘You could have just said no,’ he said, pouting.

Beelzebub’s head felt like a sack of dead bodies. Or those fake files she’s given to everyone back in hell. She rubbed it against the counter top. ‘ _This is a disgrace,_ ’ she said, morosely, her syllables buzzing. ‘Look at us. We’re the leaders of divinity. And we’re doing… _this._ I was here to judge you for doing this…and now I’m doing _th_ i _s_.’

Gabriel was Confused. He liked to capitalize important _feelings_ that he had sometimes, so that he could label them and have something to think about when he was getting a progress report. He was surprisingly, aware of his shortcomings in providing Sympathy, or what some called _Comfort_. But he was also aware that he had to provide that, solely because the Movies had told him so. He wasn’t sure why he’d capitalized Movies in his head, he thought, quite inebriated.

‘Movies aren’t an emotion,’ he said, passionately, grinning down at Beelzebub’s hat.

‘What?’ Beelzebub said, and then she hiccupped. ‘Oh, Satan. Guide me.’

‘I’ll be throwing up next if you keep saying that,’ Gabriel warned her. He was smiling. In fact, he had been smiling for quite a while.

‘We should. Stop drinking,’ Beelzebub said, after a while. She’d finally sat up, her head bobbing dangerously. She sipped her new drink. ‘We really should.’

Gabriel was having a raspberry margarita, and disagreed. ‘You should try this, Beelzebub. It’s Heavenly. Or, rather. Hellish. It’s whatever you prefer,’ he said, profoundly.

‘This is a new low,’ Beelzebub said, pointing at herself, then at him. ‘For you, and for me. For us. What the fuck do we think we’re doing? What is this achieving? I should be overseeing -’

‘Fake files that need filing, I’m aware,’ Gabriel said, grinning again.

‘You know, Gabriel, from what I remember, you weren’t this cheery way back,’ Beelzebub informed him. ‘Why the whole overly friendly attitude?’

‘Well, we had an office pool once, all the Arch Angels, around three, four centuries ago?’ he sighed, smiles fading. ‘You know how it is. We had to show the workers that we’re more fun than, well, hell. Ha, rhyme. Raphael won the real prize – he’s been vacationing in Brazil, apparently – working on his tan, I think. Michael got the brilliant idea after it that maybe we should try something called Personalities, because we just looked really similar. So, Michael got frigid, I got friendly, and Uriel got fancy, so he took a sabbatical to learn about branded clothing.’

Beelzebub was also Confused. Hastur and Ligur had never done something like that. Dagon was. Well, Dagon. She didn’t really care what was happening as long as she didn’t have to file fake files. Instead, Beelzebub had given her real files to file, and they’d never had problems.

Beelzebub herself, on the other hand, was wondering what sort of Personality she had. She assumed it was Bored, Constantly. She hadn’t experienced emotions apart from that is centuries, and in the past week she’d been confounded twice – one, with the whole Adam thing, and two, with Gabriel drinking.

‘What is happening,’ she said. ‘I need to sober up, I’m going to attempt it.’

‘It was nice knowing you,’ Gabriel said, closing his eyes like he had no faith in her. Strangely, Beelzebub was offended.

She snapped her fingers in ANGER, and the force of it pulled the alcohol from her pores. She went from drunk to sober in the third millionth of a nano second. The fabric of space and time in her surrounding aura collapsed slightly, and she snapped her fingers again to stabilize it.

Gabriel blinked. ‘Wow, maybe I should try it too,’ he said, lifting his hand. He had forgotten he was still holding his drink and as he waved his hand, a perfect curve of pink alcohol splashed on the table.

Beelzebub rolled her eyes, disgusted, and then snapped her fingers again. Gabriel sobered up, slower than she had, and his drink returned to his glass.

He blinked at her, so much like her own stare that she was suspicious. He looked down at himself – his askew collar, his loosened tie and his hot pink shoes. He put a hand to his hair, sticking up from one end. He coughed, as if he was almost embarrassed. Then he waved a free hand, and went to looking pristine again.

‘Thank you?’ he said, rolling the words in his mouth like it was the first time.

‘This has been…something,’ Beelzebub said. ‘Next time I feel the host of heaven on Earth, I’ll know not to come by.’

She stood up and blinked at him. She was feeling the urge to say goodbye, or something, but she squashed it not akin to a gross human soul. She disappeared instead, immediate and permanent.

Gabriel was more Confused. This little trip had cleared up nothing for him. In fact, he was feeling slightly empty, and still slightly sick. The solitude he had come to find here, in this bar, away from his office was no longer as fun as it had been before it had been invaded by Beelzebub and her judgment at his proclivities.

He pursed his lips, and pulled a face. The bartender came to him while he was still busy making the face and asked him for payment. He made a shooing motion, miracle money on the table. The bartender left.

Some girl was sliding coins into a machine. Moments later, a very slow, very old song started up. Gabriel blinked, then stood up. He listened to the sound of music floating in the air. He could see each note in a sound wave, pushing against the air molecules. Somehow, his technical knowledge did not distract him from how he still wanted to hear more.

He coughed, and looked around, as if he was being watched. Then he waved himself away, thinking that he wouldn’t be doing this again.

He lasted a full week. After the sixth time he was asked whether Sunday could be a holiday, Gabriel shut his office and went to the same bar.

He had aligned himself to drink alone, and was smiling at the humans trudging around. The bar was disgustingly full, he assumed, because it was a Sunday night. He had sequestered himself away into a corner booth, happy again in his isolation. He had tried what was a Scotch on the Rocks, but quickly moved back to his fruity margaritas. He thought, vaguely, of Beelzebub, then shook his head and continued to drink. He was here for the solitude and peace this place provided against the management he was running.

Yet somehow, when Beelzebub blinked into existence on the opposite end of his booth and popped his isolation-bubble, Gabriel found he didn’t mind as much. He also found that his smile wasn’t as large or as fake as it had been in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **1** okay so i did not expect this to get the kind of attention it got, or all the lovely comments people have left - i started this fic as a joke because the idea wouldn't leave me alone - and i was expecting to get called out by someone for shipping two characters who maybe shared 30 seconds of screen time - but i'm glad people liked what they read! in the few days of me publishing this the B/G fandom sort of got lots of new fic, and that makes me super ultra happy, since clearly i'm not alone lol  
>  **2** so i do hope everyone likes this chapter, because it's essential to try to make some sort of connection to why these two would ever get together - so i hope this made sense. as always, thank you to you, my readers. every kudos and every comment you leave only serves to make my day brighter and to write more!

**Author's Note:**

> lmao ya'll no one asked for this, but i just found episode 5-6 with these two insanely funny and couldn't help but write it. thank you for reading, and i'd love to know what people thought!


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